Saturday, June 30, 2012

Insecurity

I've never been secure in anything: my looks, weight, work, anything.

Lately though, with turning 30 in January, my ongoing battle with PCOS and having two babies, and dealing with my own fallout from going crazy last year, I've come to a point where I think it's at it's peak. It can't possibly get any worse.

I don't have a lot of friends, but the few I do have are awesome. But soon none of them will be any closer than a 40 mile drive.

So Jes has been trying so hard to help me make new friends. And I'm trying, really I am!

But in putting myself back out there, I've realized that I am most often the heaviest person in the room. And it hurts to realize that you've let yourself go so much that now you're the fat one.

I've been hitting the gym, riding my bike, and jogging almost daily. I need to clean up my diet, but for now I've cut out pop, any high fructose corn syrup I can find, (That stuff is hidden in everything!) and have been eating as much fruit and veggies I can.

This Monday I start two months of cross-fit, five days a week. I'm going with a friend. But I'm absolutely terrified. But also hopeful that this will kick-start my metabolism and maybe reverse some of the hormone-shifting from the PCOS.

Last night we went out. I wore makeup, and tried not to worry about my looks the whole time. But if I'm being honest, then I wasn't good at it.

Here's hoping the next two months don't kill me.

4 comments:

Susanne said...

Oh Jessie You are one of the most beautiful people I know!!! Anyone worth your while will see that regardless of your insecurities.

I'm sad all of your close friends are making moves. A part of me feels reassured by it that I'm not the only one feeling like I have to start over in the "friend" department.

Shona B said...

YOU are awesome and you're a super star. You are also one of the best/most honest people I know and I know you can do it. Having friends move and/or moving away yourself sucks but there are new people out there and you will find them.

It sucks to have to lose weight, trust me I know. But I know you can do it. You have a great support network and even though we (I'd like to think of myself as part of it) are not as close as we'd like to be we know you can do it and will be cheering from where we are.

I'm about to embark on a similar diet/exercise regime as you so maybe we can cheer for/motivate each other? Love & hugs!

Christina said...

We should talk at Sewing Summit. I deal with PCOS as well and other health issues, and I think they are all intertwined. I could exercise until i'm blue in the face and not loose weight! It was maddening.

Jessie said...

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling better now, but sometimes it's still hard! Christina--Sewing Summit went by so fast! I'm bummed we didn't get to talk!