Friday, January 23, 2015

Depression, Revisited

What's amazing about depression is that no matter how hard I try to keep a happy smile plastered on my face, how many things I write on my to-do list, or how many sections in my planner, it just stays right there under the surface, waiting for me to let my guard down.  It comes for me when I really can't handle it--when I'm stretched so thin but everyone is depending on me to follow through even though I want to sit in bed and do nothing.  It comes when I loosen my grip on my planned-to-the-minute schedule, or when I slip up and eat something special like an extra piece of fruit for the week and then I completely stop losing weight (yes, metabolic disorders are that tricky to deal with.) It comes when the kids are having a rough week, or when the doctor recommends therapy and a specialist for the kid you thought wasn't like his brother and why does this keep happening but other people have it so much worse than you so get a grip and you resent yourself for even thinking these thoughts because it's so wrong but it's so hard not to.

The thing I hate about depression the most is that I can feel it coming on, but I'm powerless to stop it. I can blame it on hormones, or food that I eat, or just circumstances, but that doesn't make it go away.  It doesn't stop food tasting like glue, or my kids' voices sounding like nails on a chalkboard; their sticky little hugs like torture.  It doesn't stop the feeling that I'm not good enough.  Like I shouldn't be who I am, or have what I have.  That I shouldn't be married to this amazing guy who provides so well for our family because some people I know can't even buy groceries this week and others can't pay their mortgage but I can so why am I complaining?

I want to buck up. I want to go with the flow. I want to ignore it when someone takes advantage of me and asks me for even more because others don't have any to give and I'm so fortunate that I have more to spare.  But I'm tired. I want a break.

This week can suck it.  Tomorrow's a new day.


Leigh Walter said...

I love the honesty of your words Jessie, and am totally where you are right now. Depression sucks in a very big way, and whilst I know that creating structure in your life definitely helps, it can't keep the beast at bay all the time, and also causes massive disappointment during the times when you can't physically keep up with your schedule. My advice, if I may offer it, would be to batten down the hatches and ride out the storm. Try to protect yourself by completely and utterly surrounding yourself in positive people/things/music/food no matter how sickly sweet that may become. Only carry out essential tasks, the laundry and the dishes will still be there tomorrow. Spend as much time as possible outside, even if it's cold and wet. You know it will pass. Be kind to yourself my love, you are not alone. Love you xxx

Sara Finch said...

Hugs, Jessie. Thank you for writing this; I feel like I could've written this. I have such a hard time talking about it and haven't really ever been able to. Thanks again; know you're not alone.

Donna h said...

Just under the surfice is spot on! It just waits in the shadows to pounce. And there is really no place to take comfort. No where to hide that is sustainable. Last few weeks, I've been contemplating the depth of depression. Lately there is so much unavoidable negative energy around that I've been letting my guard go and slipping down. How far down does it go? Is it okay to allow those dark places? Does being in the dark make the lighT shine even brighter? Sorry, like I said been pondering the levels at late.

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